Why Call Names?

I don't understand, when I reveal that I am not pure blooded and that I am this this and this, people say I am Kristang, Serani, etc which means people who are Asian but have Portuguese blood in it, I am not Christian by the way.

It's not like I go around telling people I am mixed, people just notice, somehow.

This girl from my French class, asked so loudly, hey E*****, you're not a Chinese right. I just smiled and say a little and you do not wanna know what happened.

I can't help but remember. Cos Singapore has a significant amount of mixed race people, so they generally know when they see one, unlike Malaysia.

You know what's so hard bout being mixed? Sometimes you are not accepted by the community, even these modern days.

Yes yes I look very Asian, I am proud of it. But people would know I am neither or, no matter how hard I keep it.

Sometimes it is like a curse you know. People would ask why do you have such a weird name, even a teacher asked, why do you spell your name wrongly? Hello! it's a Portuguese name, bitch! And it's my name, take it! My family went through a lot of changing process, we changed our names actually. So the arrangement of my name in my birth certificate is wrong. My brother's name is always pronounce wrongly and my name as well. People will always call me Edison, which is WRONG!!!! Wrong, bitch, wrong! ARGH

So much hassle for nothing......

107 days

The Visit and The Trip

So Robert to Penang and I met him in the airport and took him to the hotel. We spent the evening together around the beach strip and went to Gurney Plaza for dinner and we spoke for a very long time about him and his ex. It is very sad for things to end up like things but at least he found it out earlier than later......

It is really nice to meet him after 6 months or more. He changed a little bit I think. He looks like stress and depression has taken over him. Well I think he needed a break that's why I insisted that he came to Penang for a holiday.

The following day, I met him for breakfast. It was nice having breakfast with him, we talked over stuff as usual. Then we embark on our journey around Penang......

We took the bus until Komtar and walked around the herritage trail and ended up at the promenade. Then we walked back to Komtar again to have a drink. After that, we went to Penang Hill. It has changed a lot. The view is nice. I think we got the sun burn for walking hours around the herritage trail. We got lost several times and it is all my fault cos I am not a good map reader. The thing is I know other cities better than my own hometown, I don't know why. We stayed in Penang Hill for a few hours and went to Gurney for dinner again.

The whole trip was actually nice well for me and I think for him too. At least it helps him get his mind off some things. It is really nice to meet an old friend again. Although my relationship with Robert did not work last time, we make good friends and I think it is great too.

I am flying back this Thursday and it is also my 2 months anniversary with my dear. I can't wait to see him again. 112 more days.

I am getting tired of writing these days or weeks cos I am back home and I have so many things to do especially with my family and friends. Being with them makes me feel human again, that is what I don't really feel in Singapore. I need to find things to do in Singapore or not I might get depression and gastric again.......

Wondering

I was just wondering, I wanted to write something actually.

I have my doubts.

He is adding lots of people in Friendster. Maybe it is auto accept or things but I have feelings too, especially those are his 'admirers'.

Why didn't he change his profile in a website to no longer looking for hookups with other guys? He just logs in and out to check stuff and too busy to update his profile.

Always too busy, new branch, directors, investors, new office, clients, etc

I need some assurance from him again. I know I got it last month, I guess I am an over insecure person but this is how I feel in the 1st 3 months and this time he is so far away. I am very sleep and tired now, I should not wait for the reply anymore. Off to sleep!

I don't know much, but I know I love you.

Waiting...............Patiently, seriously

Being back home is great and all. I met all my friends, or most.

We did some video together but it was abandoned cos one of them have to go back and the guy is the camera guy.

I know this blog is getting lame, I have lost interest in it already cos I find it boring for the readers to just read stuff bout me and my partner.

I need some will power for this blog to carry on.

I am getting irritated of waiting for my partner's reply. He has almost never reply my smses since I came back home. He writes e-mails instead cos he has been seriously busy. But I guess he has just been so worked out and stressed that he can't send me smses? I don't think so. Just a simple one would do or just answer my questions.

I have been waiting and waiting and waiting. It would be nice if people wait for me sometimes. I wait for my friends at the mall, I wait for my parents to pick me up after classes, I wait for my partner to reply to my smses. It's rare that people wait for me.

I am meeting Robert tomorrow, most probably. He is flying from Singapore to Penang for a holiday/vacation after a break-up with his bf. Robert and I dated briefly. But of course now it's all friendly kind of thing. That is why I wrote to my partner to ask if he's ok with me meeting Robert, no reply. I called him but the line was bad. South African mobiles have really bad connection, always me wasting my money trying to ask if he hears me, lame. Anyways I just asked him out of respect and also to assure him. Maybe he is already well-assured? I dunno, an answer via sms would be nice. Or maybe just too busy to even care.......... It's kinda sad actually..... I feel neglected.

I wrote him like 4 or 5 smses and stuff. It is up to him to reply now. I am tired of waiting for his replies which turns out to be a disappointment. He can drench himself in work, as a partner I would have to support him in whatever he does. Not that I have much of a choice. It's late over here now, good night.

117 days to go

Queensbay Mall

Hmmm Queensbay Mall is like the biggest mall in Penang and I feel that it sucks.
It is HUGE and confusing. I was there with my family today I we had a hard time finding the entrance from the car park to the mall. They go there like every week. We were not the only one, most of the people that were with us were lost too. The management should do something.

There was a fashion show there from Bonia. It is kinda nice I think but the models are not that good cos the ladies especially do not have nice legs as they have scars or those veins that we can see. I mean it should have shinny skin.

Going for dinner later, my aunt's birthday :)

122 more days!!!!

Qing Ming

So every year around this time, Chinese would go to their ancestors grave to clean up their graves, pray to them, make wishes, ask for forgiveness , it's like a yearly visit kind of thing. This occasion is called Qing Ming in Mandarin or in Penang, people would call it Cheng Beng which is in Hokkien, a Chinese dialect.

This is my 2nd time doing it and I do not mind doing it again. It is tiring and at time irritating cos of the smoke and the dirty graveyard and stuff but it did not really run to my mind at all. It's like a family thing. This year, my brother and I went, my cousin, his dad, my youngest uncle, his wife and my aunt that came back just for this occasion.

As I am writing this entry, they are at a columbarium, it's like apartments for the dead, my dad told me as I was a kid. Haha not enough space to go around for dead people so some would stay in there. I did not go along cos I am sorta of allergic to the smoke over there and I can barely open my eyes as it is an enclosed area, so they dropped me home after breakfast and took grandma instead cos she would love to pray to her late husband which is my granddad which I love so much too. I might just go visit him some other day when there are less people. It would be great if my dear could come along.

I think it is a great tradition and it reminds us of who we are and our loved ones who are not around anymore. In my case, it thought me that do not tell your departed relatives that you miss them and you love them at their grave, they are not there anymore, we should appreciate and love and cherish the family members that we have now, forget all sibling rivalries, cos at the end of the day, they ARE your family.

Ok I am very tired now and I need a short nap as I woke up at like 5 plus this morning and it's 11 something over here.

130 more days, if I am not wrong. I miss you very much if you ever stumble upon my blog.

Connections

So it is my 2nd day or 3rd day back. It has been great, getting to meet my family and all. I went swimming today and I realised that the people in the club that I always go to has changed, there are more hotties and I was cruised in the pool when I was swimming! OMG but I just looked away like a good boy does.

When I was back I told my mom someone told me I look Thai and stuff. Guess what she told me? My grandma HAS Thai blood. So now it is ok for you guys to call me Thai. Why can't they just tell me everything? Must I always ask? I think I should start asking if I am Filipino too and stuff like that. I feel already overly mixed and more mixture is welcomed. I am bored of it.

I am gonna meet several girlfriends tomorrow. It's gonna be cool and stuff!


132 more days. he's so damn busy again cos it's the end of the month......

Home Sweet Home

Well finally after much delay and stuff I am finally back home! Yesterday I was just wondering if I should go home then I just went to buy the ticket, packed my bags and come home.

I wonder how's my darling doing. Busy I guess as always.

Anyways Hello to everyone from the Pearl of the Orient! Apa khabar?

134 more days :)

Happy Good Friday To Everyone

Insane to the Membrane

Ok I know I think too much. My friends tell me that, my old friends tell me that, my parents tell me that, my siblings, even my lover hinted to me. Am I insane? I feel I am an obsessive person. If I were to have another me and am in love with me, I would kill that fella or would think that person is insane. I need to loosen up and seriously in desperate need to de-stress.

My significant other was kinda cold to me yesterday, bad day I guess and I got so sensitive and stuff. Thanks Gary for opening my mind. It's raining again and I am wondering if I should play in the rain. I know it would make me happy and sick at the same time.

I still remember the 1st time I wanted to tell him something which is unimportant to me and I said I'll tell you some other day cos he has to leave the office. He told me he is not gonna leave until I tell him cos he would not be able to sleep. It makes me feel very happy. Maybe the distance is bringing us apart. I hope not. I need to give him some space, definitely and seriously.

Why am I so needy? Why am I so obsessive? I need to loosen up.

I have been listening to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and there is one like I think that it's quite significant to me, "Those 3 words are said too much" I guess so too. He says that like not very often and I think when he says that once in a while the effect would be stronger and better. He says that like once or twice a week. Well beginning of this week when I called him we had a great conversation. He did say he loves me and stuff. Maybe to him it is not meant to be said so often. I think it is ok now. Wrote me 2 emails yesterday actually and he said he misses me very very much and he was so busy during the whole week and he can't wait to hold me again. I think that is enough for me cos at least he thinks bout me and tells me nice things and he meant it. So what am I feeling so insecure and obsessed about?

I know I complain a lot about everything and bitch bout lots of things. But I am not an asshole. I just need to talk and tell it out cos that makes me feel better every time.

I am feeling better now. The days still continues, 139 more days, can't wait. I love him