Money and Matters

I need and might have to get a part time job. I do not know why, I just feel like I need to.

Maybe cos I have been pay all these down payment for a new internet line and my deposit refund from the old internet will come only a few months later.

My friend lost his wallet so I lent him some money.

When I went grocery shopping with Jamie, I had to pay her stuff cos she forgot to bring her wallet.

Steph owes me some money too cos we went to the restaurant and she did not have enough money to pay. Or I think I lent her some money when her mother took all of her money.

I paid my flight tickets so yeah.

I am trying very hard to forget Nash after all he did to me, but he popped in my mind again and I am so depressed. I still can't believe he did this to me. He asked me a few weeks ago, would I go back to him if he said he wanted me back. My heart answered yes but my mind told me I should not be foolish again. I did not answer the question. Kuhen told me to delete him and do not talk to him. I did. I wanted to view his profile today cos I miss him so much. But what's the use? It's not like he will ever love me with all his heart. He is getting married soon.....

Tickets

I am going back in September, so I have booked my tickets cos I found out that the tickets are gonna sell out soon and I would not pay ass-high prices from just a 1 hour 20 minutes flight. So I'll be back home, Penang from 15th of September until 17th October. Gawd, I miss home....

Timetable

I'll be having my mid semester tests starting Monday until Friday.

I have to study hard cos I have not started.

I am having this weird feeling in my stomach it's like gastric or something.

I need to sleeping at the correct time.

From now on there will be a lot of all these one sentence stuff in my blog cos I feel it's more straight to the point and easier to read. It's a personal view anyways and I am just wondering if people actually read my blog.

Resentment

I may never understand what happened and why did it happen but all I know is I gave everything that I have or had.

I still could not understand why you gave it to another who didn't mean a thing

There were too many questions still unanswered but I do not wish to know it anymore.

I loved you more than ever, more than my own life.

It still hurts, badly.

Dumb and distorted by my own feelings.

Please get out of my mind.

Self-concious

I feel fat or rather I have been gaining weight from all these negative stress and laziness and eating too much fast food, they are so damn delicious I eat them on an average of once a day. it is so easy to just be lazy, I need some wheel power or maybe just do my studies or at most if I have so much time I should just get a part time job. Yeah whatever....

So I would need some help in loosing weight and I would like to loose at least 1kg per month. My goal is to loose maybe 7 kgs?

I am so tired and my lifestyle is VERY unhealthy, I have to admit it. I should start doing my tutorials and stuff rather than coming online and do crap.

Lame but true:-

Mr Slut is getting married to Mr Abusive, what a union.

People tend to use you when you are friendly and helpful, Jarrold you are a bitch.

Not all dragon boaters are hot, Jashawn you are also a bitch, your girlfriend is nice, just because I am not as fit as you, you are allowed to tease me.

Charmaine, stop picking on my manliness, you are not that much feminine yourself.

Ela and Aishah, stop being such arrogant little friends.

Raqin, don't be so stoned.

Bugari, you are so hot and you're in my project group for Purchasing, lucky moi :) Just please enter classes often

Cut the crap, bye.

Argh Racism Revisited

My accounts teacher asked me why is my name 'weirdly' spelled. I told her cos it's a Portuguese name. She said you don't look Portuguese, I told her not all mixed blood people or Eurasians but I prefer the word mixed blood look more European. She said I am lying, I'm like WTF bitch what is your problem, do you wanna do a DNA test or what? I told her I am not lying and what would I get if I lie? Anyways some people called me filthy blood and stuff, do they think it is fun? Let's make fun of your race for a change. She asked me why do I have 2 names before my family name I told her cos it's my name! How dumb can a bitch get? She asked if I am from Malacca, the state which has the most Portuguese decedents in Malaysia, I said no I am from Penang and we have a significant number of people with Portuguese decedents too, she just gave me a very weird look and walk away.

Just take it and leave it. If you don't accept it, it's your problem not mine. The world is mixing now so take it. Verdammte schiesse

Can't get no love, no sacrifice

The 1st day you met me I thought things would not happen, we met each other more often and by the time we are together you have to leave the country due to your work.

I promised you I would wait for you no matter how long it will take. Our 3 months together is coming soon and it is only 98 more days until we meet each other.

I was looking forward to meeting you and picking you up in Bangkok, whatever it takes.

You came online today and broke my heart. You have to marry a girl due to your religion and culture. The marriage is not now but in about 5 years time.

You said you had no choice, everyone has a choice and I said no one can be perfect, you said you are trying to be perfect. Marrying a woman and denying yourself is not perfect.

You told me and cried on the phone last time when you were in Cape Town telling me you missed me so much and love me so much and hope that I would stay with you and continue waiting. I waited patiently.

Every second I think about you and I dream of you. I send you smses greeting you in the morning your time to let you know the distance is not gonna affect anything.

You just sent me a sms telling me that you do not deserve me cos my love for you is so pure and I should find another guy.

How can I find another guy when you are the one I love? You told me you can't have a gay relationship cos you're a bi. I am willing to accept you for who you are, and u told me u are trying to be normal or at least bi.

My question is, would you be happy with that? I cried my heart out for hours since your call. You just hang up. Being 'normal' does not make you happier.

Just because your culture tells you you have to marry a girl that you parents choose for you and you have to fulfill your religion by spreading the seeds? What a bunch of bullock!

If you have loved me the way you use to, things would happen but now you are suppressing your love and I keep on telling you I want you back although a lot of people think that I am dumb to say that cos they say you are just a waste of my time and money.

Yeah I have to admit I spent a lot of money on your by booking your hotels when you travel sometimes but I did that out of love and nothing else.

I have loved you in the past, I still love you now and I will continue loving you in the future. You chose your path and it is time for me to pick up the pieces and painfully move along. I love you, Nash and I miss you so much...... if only the life that you chose was not so complicated. Everyone has a choice.

When I asked you do you love me, you did not want to answer but broke to tears. Shouldn't I be the one who is so damn sad? I waited for you and gave you everything. I go to the temple which you brought me every week to ask the God to bless our relationship. You are unbelievable. It's only 97 more days

Why Call Names?

I don't understand, when I reveal that I am not pure blooded and that I am this this and this, people say I am Kristang, Serani, etc which means people who are Asian but have Portuguese blood in it, I am not Christian by the way.

It's not like I go around telling people I am mixed, people just notice, somehow.

This girl from my French class, asked so loudly, hey E*****, you're not a Chinese right. I just smiled and say a little and you do not wanna know what happened.

I can't help but remember. Cos Singapore has a significant amount of mixed race people, so they generally know when they see one, unlike Malaysia.

You know what's so hard bout being mixed? Sometimes you are not accepted by the community, even these modern days.

Yes yes I look very Asian, I am proud of it. But people would know I am neither or, no matter how hard I keep it.

Sometimes it is like a curse you know. People would ask why do you have such a weird name, even a teacher asked, why do you spell your name wrongly? Hello! it's a Portuguese name, bitch! And it's my name, take it! My family went through a lot of changing process, we changed our names actually. So the arrangement of my name in my birth certificate is wrong. My brother's name is always pronounce wrongly and my name as well. People will always call me Edison, which is WRONG!!!! Wrong, bitch, wrong! ARGH

So much hassle for nothing......

107 days

The Visit and The Trip

So Robert to Penang and I met him in the airport and took him to the hotel. We spent the evening together around the beach strip and went to Gurney Plaza for dinner and we spoke for a very long time about him and his ex. It is very sad for things to end up like things but at least he found it out earlier than later......

It is really nice to meet him after 6 months or more. He changed a little bit I think. He looks like stress and depression has taken over him. Well I think he needed a break that's why I insisted that he came to Penang for a holiday.

The following day, I met him for breakfast. It was nice having breakfast with him, we talked over stuff as usual. Then we embark on our journey around Penang......

We took the bus until Komtar and walked around the herritage trail and ended up at the promenade. Then we walked back to Komtar again to have a drink. After that, we went to Penang Hill. It has changed a lot. The view is nice. I think we got the sun burn for walking hours around the herritage trail. We got lost several times and it is all my fault cos I am not a good map reader. The thing is I know other cities better than my own hometown, I don't know why. We stayed in Penang Hill for a few hours and went to Gurney for dinner again.

The whole trip was actually nice well for me and I think for him too. At least it helps him get his mind off some things. It is really nice to meet an old friend again. Although my relationship with Robert did not work last time, we make good friends and I think it is great too.

I am flying back this Thursday and it is also my 2 months anniversary with my dear. I can't wait to see him again. 112 more days.

I am getting tired of writing these days or weeks cos I am back home and I have so many things to do especially with my family and friends. Being with them makes me feel human again, that is what I don't really feel in Singapore. I need to find things to do in Singapore or not I might get depression and gastric again.......

Wondering

I was just wondering, I wanted to write something actually.

I have my doubts.

He is adding lots of people in Friendster. Maybe it is auto accept or things but I have feelings too, especially those are his 'admirers'.

Why didn't he change his profile in a website to no longer looking for hookups with other guys? He just logs in and out to check stuff and too busy to update his profile.

Always too busy, new branch, directors, investors, new office, clients, etc

I need some assurance from him again. I know I got it last month, I guess I am an over insecure person but this is how I feel in the 1st 3 months and this time he is so far away. I am very sleep and tired now, I should not wait for the reply anymore. Off to sleep!

I don't know much, but I know I love you.